MY 2017 MANIFESTO: Strong, not entirely stable, leadership
1. The abolition of the Lords (except me).
2. Full facial coverings to be kept legal, especially bucket-related headgear.
3. No third runway to be built at Heathrow: where we're going we don't need runways.
4. Ceefax to be brought back immediately, with The Oracle and other Teletext services to be rolled out by the next Parliament.
5. Regeneration of Nicholson's Shopping Centre, Maidenhead.
6. Buckethead on Brexit: a referendum should be held about whether there should be a second referendum.
7. Nuclear weapons: A firm public commitment to build the £100bn renewal of the Trident weapons system, followed by an equally firm private commitment not to build it. They're secret submarines, no one will ever know. It's a win win.
8. Nationalisation of Adele: in order to maximise the efficient use of UK resources, the time is right for great British assets to be brought into public ownership for the common good. This is to be achieved through capital spending.
9. A moratorium until 2022 on whether Birmingham should be converted into a star base.
10. Legalisation of the hunting of fox-hunters.
11. New voting age limit of 16 to be introduced. New voting age limit of 80 to be introduced too.
12. Katie Hopkins to be banished to the Phantom Zone.
13. Stop selling arms to Saudi Arabia. Start buying lasers from Lord Buckethead.
14. Prospective MPs to live in the seat they wish to represent for at least five years before election, to improve local representation in Parliament.
15. Free bikes for everyone, to help combat obesity, traffic congestion and bike theft.